Establishing an Islamic Family

"And Allaah has made for you from your homes a place of rest" [Soorah an-Nahl: 80]

Allaah mentions His complete favor upon His slaves from what He has created for them in regards to their houses being places of tranquility. They are places of refuge, screening and of benefit from all aspects.

A house for us is a place of eating, marriage, sleeping and rest. A place of privacy, meeting one's wife and children, a place to safeguard oneself. It is a place of security from evil and protection from the people.

Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said:

"Safety for a man in times of tribulations is to stay in his home." [1]

Most importantly, a home is an important means towards building the Muslim community. The society is made up from home and it is the origin. The home is life and the life is society. If the home is strong then the community will be strong in implementing the laws of Allaah, resisting the aims of the enemies of Allaah, to spread good and to stop evil from penetrating.

What is required is callers who are guides, students of knowledge, sincere mujaahideen, a righteous wife, mothers who can educate etc. to be born out of our Muslim homes and then go into the society in order to reform it.

Hence, if this subject is so important and our homes have evil and large deficiencies, negligence and carelessness thus comes the question: 'What are the ways in which we can reform our HOMES?'

So, O noble reader! Here, we try to address the advice on establishing an Islamic HOME, hoping that Allaah benefit us with it and vive us direction to strengthen Islam by reviving the Muslim HOME. The advice takes two forms:

To achieve reform by enjoining the good and
to block the corruption by removing the evil.

Choosing the Right Partner

Righteous husband and wife share the primary and most important step towards building a Righteous Islamic HOME. The righteous man with the righteous woman can both build a righteous HOME because the good abode will bear its fruits with the permission of Allaah. That which is bad will produce nothing except misery. Allaah, says in the Qur'aan:

"And marry the unmarried among you who are single (i.e. man who has no wife and a woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the 'Saalihoon' (pious, fit, capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid-servants (female slaves). If they are poor, Allaah will enrich them out of His Bounty." [Soorah an-Nahl: 32]

For the Man

It is very important to be very careful in choosing a righteous wife as Prophet Muhammad (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said:

"The whole world is a place of enjoyment and the best enjoyment is a righteous wife." [2]

"A righteous wife who will help you in religious and worldly affairs is better than all the treasures the people have collected." [3]

Just as the righteous wife is from the good things, bad woman is one of the difficult things, as is stated in the authentic hadeeth:

"From the joys of a righteous woman is when you look at her she pleases you, when you are away from her, she safeguards herself and your wealth. From the difficulties of a bad woman is when you look at her she displeases you and she answers you back, when you are away from her she does not safeguard herself and you wealth." [4]

One should bear in minds the following condition specified by the Prophet of Allaah (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) in choosing a wife:

"A woman is married for four reasons; her wealth, her family, her beauty and her faith. So, marry the one who is religious and you will prosper." [5]

He (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) also said:

"Marry women who are loving and prolific in giving birth, as I shall outnumber the other Prophets' (nation) through you." [6]

For the Woman

Likewise, a woman must look at the condition of the proposer who comes for her. His suitability should be according to the following conditions:

The Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said:

"If somebody comes to you and you are pleased with his character and religion then marry him. If you do not, there will be discord on earth and widespread corruption." [7]

This great Hadeeth demonstrate as to what should be the most important character a woman should look for when selecting a husband: they being good character and piety. Wealth and lineage are secondary considerations.

Furthermore, the person of religion and good behavior may be a blessing for her and her children. She may learn manners and religion from him. If he does not have these characters then she should stay away from him, especially if he is one of those who is lax with respect to performing the prayers.

Obligation of Living with one's wife in Kindness

It is binding upon the husband to live with his wife in the best way possible and to be lenient to her in everything that Allaah has permitted. There are various ahaadeeth concerning this issue:

Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said:
"The best of you is the one who is best to his wives, and I am the best of you towards them" [8]
The Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said in the farewell Hajj:
"Listen and take my counsel with regards to women. Be good to them for they are captives with you. You possess nothing to them other than this, unless they commit some flagrant (deliberate) obscenity. If they do then separate the beds (do not have sexual relations with them) and beat them but in a way that does no injury. If they return to obedience, then seek no further retribution. You have rights over your wives and your wives have rights over you. As for your rights over your wives, they are that no one disliked by you should sit on your bed, and they admit no one into your home who you dislike. Yes, and their rights over you is that you are very good to them in providing them dress and their food." [9]
He (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said:
"Let no male believer ever hate a female believer. Though he may dislike one of her attribute, he will be pleased with another." [10]
He (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said:
"The believer with most complete faith is the one with the best character and the best of those are those who treat their wives in the best." [11]
Prophet Muhammad (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam), one with best of morals and character, not only advised the Muslim husbands to be good to their wives but he had indeed established an excellent behavior with his wives as clear by the following narration:

On the authority of Aa'ishah (radhiyallaahu anhaa) who said:
"On the Eid, the Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) called me while the Ethiopians were playing with their spears in the masjid saying: “O little red one! Would you like to watch them?” I replied 'Yes.' Then, he had me stand behind him and dropped his shoulders, so that I could see. I rested my chin on his shoulders with my face against his cheek, and I watched over his shoulders. He kept saying: “Haven't you had enough?” I kept saying: 'No in order to test my status with him, until finally I had enough…" [12]
On the authority of Aa'ishah (radhiyallaahu anhaa) who said:
"The Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) returned from the battle of Tabook or it was Khaybar. There was a curtain over my room. The wind blew, lifting the curtain and exposing a part of my room in which, Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) saw some dolls with which Aa'ishah (radhi allaahu anhu) used to play. He said: “What is this O Aa'ishah?” She replied 'My daughters (Arabs used to call dolls, daughters). He saw among them a horse with two wings made out of a piece of cloth. He said: “What is this?” She replied: 'A horse' He said: “And what are those on the horses?” She replied: 'Two wings' He said: “A horse with two wings?!” Aa'ishah said: 'The Prophet laughed until I could see his molar teeth." [13]
Also on the authority of Aa'ishah (radhiyallaahu anhaa) who reported that she was once on a trip with the Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) while still a young girl. She said: 'I had not acquired excess body flesh, nor had my body become large. The Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said to his Companions: Move on ahead. When they had gone on ahead of us, he said: Come, and I will race you. Then I beat him in a foot race.'

Later on, I was on another trip with him, and he again said to his Companions: 'Go on ahead.' Then, he said to me: 'I will race you.' I had completely forgotten the previous incident. Moreover, I had become heavier. She asked: 'How can I race you, when I am in this condition?' He replied: 'You will race me!' So, I raced him, and he won the race. Then he began laughing and said: 'This is for that victory.' [14]
Also on the authority of 'Aa'ishah, (radhiyallaahu anhaa) who said: the Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) used to be brought a glass of milk from which I would drink first, even though I was menstruating. Then he would take the glass and drink, putting his mouth on the same spot, where my mouth had been. At other times, I used to take a piece of meat and eat from it. Then he would take it and eat, putting his mouth on the same area on which I had put mine. [15]
On the authority of Jaabir ibn Abdullaah (radhiyallaahu anhu) and Jaabir ibn Umar, both reported that the Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said:
“All things in which there is no mention of Allaah are frivolity, absent-mindness and idle play except for four things: a man being playful with his wife, training his horse, walking between two purposeful goals and teaching another man to swim.” [16]

Obligation on Woman to Obey Her Husband

It is important for the woman to be obedient to her husband within the range of her capacity, because Allaah has favored men over women, as shown in the previously mentioned verses, that they have a degree over them. Prophet Muhammad (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) shed light on this important issue saying:

“By the One in whose Hand is the soul of Muhammad (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam), no women has fulfilled her obligations to her Lord, until she has fulfilled her obligations to her husband, even if he were to ask her when she is mounted on the saddle, she should not refuse his request” [17]

He (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) further elaborated this issue making clear to us the duties of a righteous wife towards her husband and the rewards of her obedience to him:

“If a woman prays the five prayer, guards her private parts (from anything illegal), and obeys her husband, she will enter Paradise from any door she wishes.” [18]
On the authority of Hussian bin Muhsan (radhiyallaahu anhu) who said: 'My aunt narrated (a hadeeth) to me, saying: 'I came to the Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) for some need of mine. He (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said: “How are you towards your husband?” She said: 'I do not fall short in anything except which I am unable to do. Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said: “Well look to your position in relation to him, for it is the key to Paradise and Hell.”' [19]
The Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said:
“It is not allowed for a woman to fast in the presence of her husband except with his permission, except in Ramadaan, and she may admit no one into his house except with his permission” [20]
The Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said:
“Whenever a man calls his wife to their bed, but she refuses to come, letting him spend the night angry with her, she is cursed by Angels until the morning.”
In another narration:
“Until she goes to him until he forgives her” [21]

Words of Advice to Husband and Wife

To be compliant, co-operative and conciliatory towards one another, to advise each other and urge each other towards obedience to Allaah, the Most High and the Most Blessed, following all of His Rulings, which have been clearly established in the Qur'aan and the Sunnah. These must never be superseded by blind following of any custom or school of thought, which has predominated among the people. Allaah, the Most High says:
“It is not fitting for a believing, man and woman, when a matter has been decided by Allaah and His Messenger, to have an opinion about their decision; if anyone disobeys Allaah and His Messenger, he is indeed on a clearly wrong path.” [Soorah al-Ahzaab: 36]
Each of them should fully carry out the duties and responsibilities with which Allaah has obliged on them towards one another. The Qur'aan deals with the role of men and women in the following verses:
“Men are protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore, the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allaah and to their husbands) and guard in their husbands absence what Allaah orders them to guard (e.g. chastity, their husbands property, etc.) As to those women on whose part you see ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, and at last beat them (lightly, if it is useful) but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allaah is Ever Most High, Most Great.” [Soorah an-Nisaa': 34]
The Divine injunction describes man as Qawwaam (maintainer) and the women as Qaanitah (obedient) Haafizatun lil Ghayb (preserver of the secret). This verse give two reasons as to why men are described as maintainer.
- Firstly, because ‘Allaah has made one of them to excel the other’ which means that He has excelled men to be physically stronger and more inclined to have a career outside the home.
- The second reason is that “they spend from their means” it is the man's duty to provide financially for his family and it is also the man who is required to give a dower to his wife at the time of marriage.
The husbands, thus have been put in charge of his home, but this is a responsibility and not a privilege. His duty is to do justice, to consult the duties of the family and to refrain from tyranny.

The Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) said:
“Those who do justice will be on thrones of light at Allaah's right Hand, and both of Allaah's Hands are right Hands; those who were just in their ruling with their families and in all which they were given authority.” [22]
The different roles of sexes means that never is one burdened with all the duties while the other enjoys all privileges. Instead they both have individual duties and privileges, and both make sacrifice in order to win the pleasure of Allaah. The Qur'aan says in this regard:
“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allaah is All-Mighty and All-Wise.” [Soorah Al-Baqarah (2): 228]
Mu'aawiyah ibn Haidah (radhiyallaahu anhu) said: “O Messenger of Allaah (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam), what rights do our wives have on us? The Prophet of Allaah (sallallaahu alaihi wasallam) replied:
“That you should feed them as you feed yourselves, never invoke ugliness upon them (this refers to the custom of the Arabs before Islam of saying to their wives in anger: May Allaah make your face ugly) never strike them on their face, and in boycotting the marital bed do not go outside the house to sleep. How (could you do any of these) when you have entered into one another, so do only that which is allowed with regards to her (for valid reasons)” [23]
And when they both of them having faith, know and practice the right and duties of each other, Allaah the Most High, authorizes for them a good life as long as they remain together in the bliss of happiness. Allaah says in the Qur’aan:
“Whoever works righteous, man or woman, and has faith to Him We will give a new life, a life which is good and pure and We will bestow on them their rewards according to the best of their actions.” [Soorah an- Nahl: 97] [24]

Footnotes:

Hasan - Related by at-Tabaraanee in al-Aswat from Thawbaan (radhiyallaahu anhu) and it is also in Saheeh-ul-Jaami' (3824)
Muslim no. 1468 and an-Nasaa'ee from Ibn Umar and Saheeh-ul-Jaami' (3407)
Ahmad 5/282 at-Tirmidhee and Ibn Majah from Thawbaan. Saheeh-ul-Jaami' (5355)
Ibn Majah 1861 and others. See Silsilat-us-Saheehah (282)
Saheeh al-Bukhaaree vol.9 no. 132.
Ahmad 5/245. Al-Albaanee said it is authentic in Irwaa-ul-Ghaleel (6/195)
Ibn Majah 1967. See Slsilat-us-Saheehah
Authentic At-Tahawee
Authentic at-Tirmidhee and Ibn Majah
Saheeh Muslim
Hasan - at-Tirmidhee
Saheeh al-Bukhaaree, Saheeh Muslim and others
Authentic - Aboo Daawood An-Nasaa'ee in Al-Ishrah
Authentic - Al-Humaydee, an-Nasaa'ee in al-Ishrah and Aboo Daawood
Saheeh Muslim and Ahmad
An-Nasaa'ee in al-Ishrah and at-Tabaraanee
Authentic - Ibn Maajah and Ahmad
Authentic - at-Tabaraanee in al-Aswat and ibn Hibban
Authentic - at-Tabaraanee in al-Aswat and ibn Hibban
Authentic - at-Tabaraanee in al-Aswat and ibn Hibban
Saheeh al-Bukhaaree and Saheeh Muslim
Saheeh Muslim
Authentic Related by Ahmad
Abridged from Advice on Establishing an Islamic Home by Aboo Ubaidah Amr bin Basheer

Establishing an Islamic Family